Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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