What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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