I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
