I am puke
I didn't shave. On purpose
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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