dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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