R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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