come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
