You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You are a genius and a whore.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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