There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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