the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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