I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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