if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
