The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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