is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize