4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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