Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
