enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
