The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
