I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I think I just shit out all my problems.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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