Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Randomize
