I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
