so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
the condom got lost in my hair
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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