I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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