I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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