I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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