i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
