My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
