theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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