i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
