My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
