I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
