My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Oh god it's open bar.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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