She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you didnt know i had herpes?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
