i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
