I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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