You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
