I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
