I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
