well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
