there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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