Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
