for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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