I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
