also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
