I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
