i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
