dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
