my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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