Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
