please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
