So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
