my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
