This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
