My cat gives me a boner
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
