i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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