i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
it's like iHOP with fire
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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