Who wears a wallet chain?!
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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